The Daily Bugle: First Edition



~The Daily Bugle: your number one trusted herald of New York City.~

Who is Spider-Man?
An Editorial by J. Jonah Jameson.

It started with rumors. A masked man entering the world of night time television, only to assist a robber who stole from the studio. Then, the testimonials poured in. Mysterious man swoops in to assist robbery of armored truck! Lunatic wearing red and blue tights webs up innocent men. Etcetera, etcetera! Eventually, the masked man ended up calling himself “Spider-Man.”

So who is Spider-Man? He’s a criminal, that’s who he is. Whenever there is a bank robbery, Spider-Man always swoops in to assist the robbers. Even this week, a report came in from the Baxter Building, the home of the Fantastic Four. Spider-Man broke into their laboratory, and tried to fight every one of them. If that isn’t three criminal charges toward him in one night, then this very legal system is rigged!

What other proof do you need? Unlike heroes such as Iron Man, Spider-Man does not protect people. At least Iron Man only guards Anthony Stark. Spider-Man instead swings from a building, descends down, and takes the law into his own hands. Yes, when we should be entrusting the police with these criminal activities, Spider-Man instead handles them himself. Does Spider-Man not understand the legal system here in New York? Does he not understand that the police must investigate in order to prosecute these men?

I argue he does! Spider-Man is an accomplice to these crooks. Why else would he deal with them himself? Why else would he wear a mask? If the man wanted to fight crime he would become a police officer. Only criminals hold themselves above the law. Which is why Spider-Man, in every way, shape, and form, is a criminal. 'Nuff said!